


In the Air

by seori



Category: Pan Am
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-22
Updated: 2012-08-22
Packaged: 2017-11-12 16:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/493126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seori/pseuds/seori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ted, post-finale, struggling to come to terms with Amanda's baby bombshell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Air

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lisafer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisafer/gifts).



> All quotes are from 'i carry your heart with me' by E.E. Cummings

_you are whatever a moon has always meant_

It is New Year's Eve - or perhaps New Year's Day, somewhere in between the ringing of the bells, at least - when Ted realises that he _can't_ lose Laura, that somehow he has to find a way of holding onto her.

He knows it isn't fair on her, knows that she deserves better than this. Better than him. But he deserves better than what he has, as well. Doesn't he? Doesn't he deserve space travel instead of the First Officer's seat? Laura instead of Amanda?

Losing isn't the Vanderway way, but it seems, unfortunately, to be Ted's way. He wonders if his life will always be spent dwelling on those 'what if?' turning points.

Laura leans back against him, and Ted closes his eyes, wishing that this suspended moment between the years, between his heart and his duty, could stretch on forever.

_here is the deepest secret nobody knows_

"Engaged?" Dean repeats. Perhaps it is the lack of flying, or the lack of Ted's good influence, but he looks more perplexed than usual. "Forgive me for asking, but isn't an engagement a happy occasion?"

"I guess," Ted replies, twisting his watch. "Aren't you going to congratulate me, then?" he adds, when it is clear Dean isn't going to speak.

Dean laughs. "I don't congratulate men who look like they're headed to death row." He stands, and heads for his whisky cabinet. "I offer them a drink."

Ted sighs. It's a sad day when Dean becomes this intuitive - though perhaps it is obvious that Ted's in freefall.

_and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart_

Laura finds out, of course, and it is worse because he is not the one to tell her. He thinks Maggie takes that honour, but honestly, it hardly matters.

It doesn't matter, because Amanda comes to him, and there are all these _words_. He takes only five of them in, but five are enough to bring his world down.

There was never a baby.

There was never a baby. 

_whatever a sun will always sing is you_

Then Laura finds out, and again, he isn't the one to tell her, because he has grown wary of slammed trays and icy looks.

But this time, it is good that Maggie has such a big mouth, and it was certainly worth telling Collette in her hearing.

Laura slides her hand over his after she passes him coffee and says, "I'm sorry," before she disappears again in a cloud of blue, but it is enough.

It is a promise to hold onto, and this time, it is enough.


End file.
